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Okay, the laptop has cooled off a bit, and I’ve been reading things that have me thinking. This post will be kind of stream of association and more of a journal entry than something I want my readers to know, so bear with me.

I think/believe/feel that I’m a pretty happy person. Of course, I have moments of disillusionment, sadness, cynicism, worry, and even pessimism, but by and large, I am happy. I’m very aware of the many blessings in my life… health, friends, family, pets, work, all of my basic necessities met as well as most of my wants.

One of the things that has made me unhappy as I look back over my life and the way it has turned/is turning out, is that I have been in several relationships…six in which I’ve said I love you to someone significant. In two of those relationships, I did the leaving. In three, I was left. And in one of those three, my confidence in being a good partner, my ability to trust another person with my heart, my belief that love can be deep and powerful were all shattered. Unfortunately for the two people who followed that relationship, I was not the person I needed to be for them. I had little to give.

It’s been over three years since then. I’m finally able to look back at the good times we had without an unhealthy desire to reconnect, and look back at the hard times without pain. It is just a part of my history now, part of who I am.

I never set out to be a serial monogamist, but that’s what my life has turned in to. I’m not ashamed of my past. I’ve never been unfaithful nor treated any of my partners badly, but they’ve just never worked out for a myriad of reasons. I admire the people who find “the one” and have a shared history of so many years, assuming they’re good years. But I know many more like me, who haven’t had that be the pattern of their relationships. 

And while it is what it is, the “pattern” puts a nagging thought in my head, even at my most deliriously happy times in a relationship…the thought, the question of whether my past is my prologue…if history will repeat itself. 

Kimmy tells me to live in the moment, to string together the tomorrows until they turn into years. Good advice indeed, but hard for a worrier like me to live by. I’m more prone to wonder like Emily Saliers in her song “Come on Home,”

I realize that some things never are made right
By some will, we string together here
Days to months and months to years
What if everything we have adds up to nothing.

I’m sure that the devastating relationship it took me so long to get over makes me bend toward a kind of free-floating fear of losing love, of having to pick myself up and start over again.

And yet, despite all of the pain, and the twists and turns, the mistakes I’ve made, the choices I thought were mistakes that were not, despite all of that, I really like where I am now…in my life, my work, my relationships with friends and with Kimmy.

While I’ve had some good relationships, obviously, they’ve not been “the one,” at least not in terms of lasting. And I can’t see the future here either, but it feels different in ways and for reasons that are too personal to publish. And for today, and at least for tomorrow, I’m truly happy.


Written by blogicalinks

January 31, 2009 at 12:03 am

Posted in Sharing

4 Responses

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  1. Your blog must not be in my time zone. It’s already tomorrow where you are.

    I once heard someone say something to the effect of humans have evolved to the point that they do not require ONE mate for their entire life. Serial monogamy makes more sense now because at this point, humans learn faster than they did generations ago and now one person cannot fill a lifetime of needs. You enter a relationship for a particular reason or a particular lesson and once it has run its course for both of you and you have learned what you needed to learn, you move on. If you can let go without the pain and anger, then you can look at it as exactly what it was – a great growing and learning experience. But instead, we have the hollywood/disney view of “happily ever after” in our heads and when things don’t work out that way, we get really mad and hurt over it, think someone has wronged us, or wrecked our lives. Realistically, the thing has probably just reached its beneficial limit and you should end that one and move on to the next, while remaining friends and deeply indebted to your past partner for everything they have done to enrich your life. In most breakups, can you look back and see that there is a reason you are no longer together, why you may have been suited for each other in the beginning and for whatever length of time it lasted, what led to its demise, and what you learned in the process? Wouldn’t it be nice to see that stuff the day it ended instead of years down the road?

    OK, so that’s much easier said than done, but it’s kind of a neat concept if you think about it. 🙂
    My definition of relationship seems to be changing the older I get. I will have to see what it finally evolves into, but I think I no longer want the whole joined at the hip for the rest of your life thing that my parents and grandparents have/had. I think Kimmy might be right about living in the moment. You might accidentally miss today if you don’t.


    January 31, 2009 at 12:44 am

  2. I was 42 before it all fell into place for me. So it has been over 11 years. It is definitely NOT happily ever after. What it is, though, is an ever-deepening, abiding love; being present; incredible support; the perfect partner for the journey; struggling together; sharing the moments; know that no matter what I do there is someone who loves me unconditionally, committed to me even in the toughest moments. OK, I just re-read all this and it sounds hokey and cheesey but the beauty of it is that it is true. I wish this for everyone.


    January 31, 2009 at 4:42 am

  3. I think each of us have different paths that life has us go down that is affected by many different factors. Some of us are lucky to find “the one” and be with them for most of our lives but I also don’t think it’s what is the right thing for everyone. “The one” could be several “ones” that are in your life at the right time for a particular or a few reasons. Best thing is not to question it and live life in the moment as mentioned, but I understand your desire to worry. We are human and it’s in our nature to plan and overthink things at times. Being happy with ourselves should be be most important.


    February 1, 2009 at 5:31 pm

  4. This stuff is so hard. I dated at least five very different people in the five years since the last big breakup. I truly believe that “timing is everything” and there really isn’t only one “the one”. I asked someone who married her college sweetheart and they were still fabulously happy in love 20+ years later. I asked her what she felt the secret was. She said, “Oh honey, I don’t know. We married because we were kids in lust. We are just lucky we still like each other”. That was about 15 years ago and they are still married.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that common values and goals are the foundation and then you need a spark to make it all work. Oh. And I prayed a lot.

    Wishing both of you the best. Enjoying every day is a very good idea 🙂


    February 16, 2009 at 2:31 am

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