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Trouble Getting Happy

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I was sitting here thinking about all I need to do in regards to the house/job situation. And frankly, I just wish I felt more joy about the whole thing. I’ve been given an opportunity for a great job. I’m in the process of getting a great house. But I’m just so melancholy, it’s hard to get “up” about any of it.

I’m hoping that time will change the way I feel. That once all the stress is over and things have settled down, that I’ll start to feel like me again. Going to B’ham on Thursday and seeing all my friends made me SO homesick! And I know that when I’m living by myself, the only thing that will keep me from being totally depressed is the interactions I’ll have at my new job.

I know that a huge part of this is that, while things seem to be going my way, it’s not following the “plan” for the reason I came to ATL in the first place. The next time I bought a house, I wanted it to be with Sherrie. I wanted to continue to make a living working for myself. I know that’s a lot of “I wanteds” in there, but it’s hard to let go of the dream that I was pursuing in the first place.

I don’t mean to sound like a whiner. I know that I’m blessed. I just wish I felt more joy in all of this…like the processes that I’m going through were things I want to do rather than things I HAVE to do. And there’s still some anger about the fact that none of this was initiated by me. The job and the house are both consequences of the breakup. Perhaps I will see the big picture soon. A dear friend of mine in B’ham is convinced that this whole thing was not for me to be with Sherrie, but to get me to ATL to find the real love of my life. I’m not buying into that right now, and I’m certainly not looking for it. If anything, I might ignore that person if she were materialize in front of me. I’m just so gun shy about trusting anyone right now, at least as it involves relationships.

I’m nervous about the new job… wanting so desperately to do well, primarily just for being a good employee’s sake, and secondarily, for financial reasons. I’m nervous about my freelance work, knowing how hard it’s going to be to work all this into a frantic schedule. I’m nervous about revealing the breakup and house buying to my folks, knowing that they won’t take it well and will worry far more about it than even I do. I’m nervous about all the financial implications of this, period. I’m nervous about being in a city I’m totally unfamiliar with and learning my way around—AGAIN! I’m nervous about being so far from the friends I’ve already made over here. I’m nervous about living alone again, especially being in a strange town. I’m worried that all of this worrying is going to affect my health! (How’s that for a self-fulfilling prophecy?!)

I just look forward to the day when I can relax again, without a thousand “got to do” things running through my head.

Written by blogicalinks

April 14, 2007 at 10:47 pm

Posted in Sharing, Venting, Whatever

2 Responses

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  1. oh, that time will come soon. when you can relax and enjoy yourself.

    and you’re frugal mcdougal. you’ll meet your budget just fine.

    p.s. “all” your bham friends my bootie.


    April 18, 2007 at 10:02 pm

  2. Oh, boy howdy, can I relate. Three years ago my life turned completely upside down – and I’m just now feeling like it is finally settling down again. I tried so hard to stay positive throughout the process, but at times I just wanted to sit down and throw a 2 year old’s tantrum because I didn’t sign up for this! I had no doubt that I was blessed during every single step of the process – but it was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through. Don’t know what much else to say, but…keep smiling and trusting.

    Ru's Mom

    July 16, 2007 at 9:47 pm

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