seeking | sharing | venting | whatever…ing

Catching up

with 5 comments

Some of you who peek in from time to time may have wondered where I’ve been, wondering what I’ve been doing and thinking, and some of you may know WAY more than you want to know about the melodrama of my life right now.

The short version:
Sherrie and I broke up, so I’m having to look for a house, and therefore, a job.

The long story:
(Well, it can’t be too long because I have work to do, but here it is.)
I won’t go into the details of the breakup, because it involves private issues and conversations that should not be broadcast for public viewing. I’ve told a few friends the whole story (as I experienced it, of course, and so it’s only one side of the story), but it doesn’t seem right to put everything we went through out there for anyone and his brother to read.

The thing that is hardest for me, and which I am willing to say publically is that I wanted to keep working on a reconciliation, and she did not. I feel like she gave up on us too quickly, but it takes both people REALLY wanting to work things out in order for things to work. So after much begging for couples counseling and attempts at working things out, only to be met with a resolute “no,” I decided to stop pursuing that and focus on getting out.

Right now, we’re living as roommates, which is difficult much of the time, but at least I have a place to live while I’m figuring out what to do.

Here are the things that bother me most about this whole thing:
• I feel like a fool for believing that Sherrie cared as much about me as I cared about her. I gave up a great job, my home, and left my circle of friends to pursue a life with her.

• It’s just very difficult for me to believe that so much could change in the nine months we lived together that it would result in this. I know I’m not the easiest person in the world to live with, but I’m also one of the most willing to compromise. Everything that Sherrie said was “wrong” with our living together could have been rectified with compromise, but she was unwilling to pursue those options.

• I DREAD telling my folks about this because they thought I was making a mistake by leaving everything in Birmingham to come to Atlanta. I can just imagine the fallout from that conversation! So I’m not planning to share any of this until I’m settled and in another place. All they would do is worry about me, and there’s no need to put them through all that when it will do nothing but stress all of us out!

I’m trying not to view this whole thing as a mistake, because I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t hate it here. I’ve made some nice friends, the job opportunities are greater, and there’s plenty to do. (I will admit that the traffic situation sucks, but it sucks in places in B’ham too!)

I have had a great year freelancing, but I don’t know that I feel comfortable continuing along that line full time, because I’m going to be having mortgage payments now. There’s something to be said for a steady income!

• I hate feeling like another statistic that feeds into the “serial monogamy” side of being gay. I do want a lifelong relationship. I do want to spend my life with someone I love and who loves me. I’ve hurt another in a breakup, and I’ve been hurt in breakups. I think I’m done with relationships for awhile. I’m going to concentrate on work and friends, and not worry about relationships. If someone comes along, I’m going to take everything VERY slow and with a great deal of caution.

• I’m frustrated that I KNOW I’m a good designer and a good employee, but I’m not getting any reaction to my resumés. Well, I’ve gotten one, but the pay’s not great.

• I’m frustrated because until I get a job, I’m not sure where I should get a house. I don’t want to get a house and then get a job all the way across town and have to spend two hours each day!

• I’m frustrated that I even need to get a job again. I really like working for myself.

• I’m frustrated that I’ll have to pack up all my stuff and move again, in less than a year! I thought briefly about renting until I find something, but I certainly don’t want to have to move twice!! Plus, not many places would allow three cats in an apartment, AND I’m ready to get my dogs back to living with me again.

• I’m stressed out, sad, angry, tired, homesick, scared, hurt, gaining more weight, and lots of other negatives. Yet, at the same time, I know that I’m really still a very blessed person. I know all of the positives in my life. It’s just hard to think about those when my life feels turned upside down, and somewhat out of my control. The future I thought I’d have is no longer possible, and that’s hard to bear sometimes.

Other than all that, like I said, I’m trying to dwell on the positives—spring is coming back around, I think I’ll eventually get a job, and that will lead to making more friends, so I know there are good things in my life. Some days, they’re harder to see than others.

I’m not re-reading this for mistakes ’cause I need to get to work, but that’s where I am right now.

It might be another long while before I write again. To those of you who have offered your concerns, your prayers, and your friendship toward me, I am so thankful to each of you.


Written by blogicalinks

March 7, 2007 at 7:05 pm

Posted in Sharing, Venting, Whatever

5 Responses

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  1. 😦


    March 8, 2007 at 10:50 am

  2. Cheryl, I am now in England. Don’t know if you’ve been by my blog in a while. I hope you are finding peace. How are you doing?

    Bryan Riley

    April 1, 2007 at 8:34 am

  3. It is never easy going through the loss of intimacy.

    Bryan Riley

    April 1, 2007 at 8:34 am

  4. I didn’t realize it was so recent. Time does heal.

    Ru's Mom

    August 5, 2007 at 9:25 pm

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